I was thinking about how I felt when I first learned I was pregnant with you. Happy, scared but happy. Filled with wonder. I think it’s kinda like when you’re standing at the beach in front of a humongous wave and you know you’re gonna eat it. You take a deep breath and dive under, hoping to God that you don’t first, hit a sandbar and next, get tossed around like a rag doll in the waves. It goes fast and furious, but it passes and your head pops up into the calm sea… only to see the next frickin’ wave coming straight at you.

Life is like that, well it’s always been like that way for me at least. Probably because I’ve always been out there in the waves instead of one of the people lying around on their towels. I figured you might as well be doing something while you’re there. The sun is going to get you no matter where you are.

I think just one of the things or more to the point one of the sorrows in my life is that I didn’t give you what I wanted to give you. A more secure stable child hood, but with a mother like me I would think that you didn’t stand a chance. I’m sorry for that. A clean house, some sort of a routine… in anything, and I guess a more material oriented lifestyle. But it’s the little things that mean so much to me it’s the “won’t you let me help you” things, or the surprises in glimmers of moments of pure love that fill my soul. It was more important to me to show you that. You fill my heart with joy and so much love my chest aches. I cannot stop crying while writing this paragraph, the sense of overwhelming love just pours for you.  Always, always know that.  You are surrounded by my love.

Each day I thank God for you and ask Him to protect you, with all His Power. You are a child of God, and very much loved. I always ask that my love of Jesus Christ shines for others that I meet in the day. I wish the same for you that you can feel the Light within you and share it.

I hope you have a good Valentine’s Day. They won’t always be the greatest, believe me. Sometimes they just kinda blend in with the other days. I wanted to give you something aside from candy, so I made a collection of songs. Some you will recognize and some you may not. They are your mother though. It’s a collection from my junior high days until now. I’ve tried to set them in some order that made sense to me but the CD burner took over. It’s a mixture of my personal favorites. Some of the songs I’m sure will bring memories to your mind. They do me. Dancin’ together in the kitchen while cooking dinner, driving in the car or just walking around the house belting out songs. Some of them describe my life and some of them describe how I feel about you. Some of them sit you back and make you think. There’s also a song in there that I’m sorry, I just had to, it’s a bit hokey but its how I feel. Even when I made you stand out there and do for yourself, it was by far the hardest thing for me to do. I’m not sure if you realize how hard it was for me not to scoop you up and take you off somewhere, where I’d have you all to myself but that’s no way to live. You’d be one of the people on the towels at the beach and I think that would be a loss to the world. You are far more than that. You have a spirit within you that wants to live. I knew that, and I wanted to make sure that you do too.

Follow your heart, it brings you home.